I’m having a little bit of a down today. So I am here to ramble a bit.
I arrived in England a little over a week ago. Sure feels longer. – Don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy that my husband and I are finally back together for good and we never have to go through being away from each other for months and months. That…I am very relieved about. But when it comes to my childhood home and my family – I am having a hard time. I have moments when I am extremely excited and content with everything but it’s when I am home alone while Dean is at work…that I get upset. My brain starts to move a million miles a minute.
I feel like I am putting myself down more than I should. It is 100% human that I am having these feelings. I am definitely not having second thoughts or anything like that but I just having my moments where I wish I could have the best of both worlds. I wish I could live here with my husband and have my life here in England, but be able to go home and visit my parents whenever I please. But unfortunately, plane tickets are extremely expensive and there is no way Dean and I can afford them. When it comes to money, I have a love hate relationship with. I know that I chose to move away from my family and friends but when I sit down and start to think about that money…fucking money. Dirty paper is what controls everything around us. It makes me sick. I can’t see my family because of money. They can’t come see me – because of money. Anyway, whatever. I’m just complaining at this point.
I love my family – but I love my husband as well. Reason why I moved over 3,000 miles away from home. I’d do anything for him and I am willing to fight through this phase of depression I am going to feel sporadically. Like I said before, it’s only human that I am going through these emotions and I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
I don’t have many people to hang out with or go out with so that’s another reason why I am having more of a difficult time. I am mostly stuck in the house while Dean is at work most of the week. I am unable to drive over here so I cannot drive places either. When it comes to going somewhere by myself – I am perfectly fine with. But when I am in a place where I am not familiar with, going out to venture on my own…isn’t going to happen. I just prefer to have somebody with me, a friend.
I love to meet new people and make new friends but at the same time, I don’t want to be that weirdo girl who is trying to be friends with somebody. I am very outgoing and easy to get along with…I am hilarious. But I am very shy as well, I am always worried about what someone thinks about me. But don’t get me wrong, I am very blunt and loud – once you get to know me. I know how to have a good time but I just have to get out of my shy shell first. Once somebody shows interest, I almost instantly bloom into myself.
I am sitting here watching Cupcake Wars, typing this while Dean is at work for the rest of the night. I am trying to fill my brain with positive thoughts. Dean and I have so many things to look forward to this year and I am so excited. From our wedding in July, to visiting London, Brighton and Wiltshire. Spending our first Halloween together and even next year we get to celebrate our birthdays together on February 10th!
Until next time…